Total pages in book: 97
Estimated words: 93140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 466(@200wpm)___ 373(@250wpm)___ 310(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 93140 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 466(@200wpm)___ 373(@250wpm)___ 310(@300wpm)
The dog spotted some birds a few yards away and took off chasing them.
“I better get him on his leash.”
Grant followed, managing to hook the dog’s collar as he jumped up on him. I watched, feeling so confused. He has a puppy? When did that happen?
He walked back with the dog on a long leash, and for the first time, I took in how he looked. My reaction was probably similar to Mia’s when she got a load of me the other day. Grant looked terrible—or as terrible as he possibly could, which at the moment really pissed me off because his terrible was still a shitload better than most men’s best. He had dark circles under his eyes, his hair was disheveled, clothes were a wrinkled mess, and his skin had a sallow tone to it.
My first instinct was to ask if he was okay, but then I remembered how okay I hadn’t been the last couple of weeks and how much he’d cared. So I turned back around and faced the lake.
“What do you want?” I said.
He was quiet, but I felt him standing behind me.
“Do you…mind if I sit?”
I picked a blade of grass from in front of me and threw it. “Whatever.”
Grant sat down next to me. His dog started to dig a hole a few feet away, and we both stared. I refused to look at him, even though I felt the pull I always experienced when I was near him, since right from the start.
“How are you feeling?” he asked softly.
My lips pursed together. “Alone. Scared. Disappointed. Let down.”
I felt his eyes on my face, but still didn’t turn my head.
“Ireland,” he whispered. “Look at me. Please.”
I turned with my best icy glare, but one look in his eyes and I softened. God, I’m an idiot.
“I’m so sorry.” The pain in his voice was palpable. “I’m so fucking sorry for running away.”
My eyes filled with tears. But I still refused to shed any for him. So I blinked and looked down until I could force them back.
“There’s no excuse for what I did. But I’d like to tell you about Leilani, if that’s okay. It doesn’t justify the way I treated you, but it might help you understand why I did what I did.”
He had my attention now. I looked over at him with a sad smile and nodded.
Grant took a few minutes to collect his thoughts and then spoke softly. “Leilani May was born on August fourth. She was eight pounds, four ounces.” He smiled. “Eight four on eight four. She had big blue eyes that were so dark they were almost purple. Pops nicknamed her Indigo because of it. She had a mop of dark hair that looked like a wig.”
He paused, and I suddenly forgot all of my anger. Reaching over, I took his hand and squeezed. “She sounds beautiful.”
Grant cleared his throat and nodded. “The only time she really cried was when she needed to be changed. And she loved to be swaddled so tightly she couldn’t move her arms.” He paused. “And she loved it when I would sniff her feet and tell her she smelled. They say most babies aren’t really smiling until they’re a few months old, that it’s just a reflex. But Leilani, she smiled at me.”
Grant got quiet again. This time it was him who looked away. He stared out to the lake and setting sun. I watched his face go from warm to somber, so I knew I needed to brace for the next part of his story.
His voice was barely a whisper when he started talking again. “I’ve told you that Lily was a foster care placement with my family. Over the years, she bounced around back and forth from her mother’s house to ours. Her mom suffered from mental illness, and the state would intervene and remove her at least once a year when her mom went off her meds. Lily was always different. But I didn’t recognize it for what it was until we were older. And by then, it was too late. I was all-in with her.”
A pang of jealousy chimed inside of me, even though it was ridiculous.
Grant hung his head. “Doctors say she’s bipolar like her mom. And that, mixed with postpartum depression, made her…” He shook his head, and his voice cracked. “She…”
Oh my God. No!
Grant had said there was an accident, but no…not this. Please God, no. Don’t make him have endured something so inconceivable. I crawled from my spot to kneel between his knees and cupped his cheeks in my hands. His eyes were closed, but tears streamed down his face.
He swallowed, and the look of pain he wore sliced right through me. It felt like someone had stabbed a knife into my chest.
Grant shook his head. “We were arguing. I fell asleep. I should’ve known better. When I woke up, Lily was sitting on the deck crying, and Leilani was gone. She…threw…” He started to sob.