Total pages in book: 148
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 135517 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 678(@200wpm)___ 542(@250wpm)___ 452(@300wpm)
But now, that was there in black and white for all the world to see, along with my other illnesses, which I was now struggling to come to terms with. The urge to run away and hide grew stronger, but instead, I found myself picking up my journal that I had put under my pillow for safekeeping, turning the pages to the first blank one, and starting to write.
I wrote for hours nonstop, not paying attention to anything else but the words that were pouring out of me. I didn’t hold back, didn’t keep anything to myself, just let it all out. When I was done, I knew who to call.
Since they had started this war, for once, I was not going to back down. Instead, I will make all of those people eat their words.
Chapter 13
*Ryder*
The last few months have been hell. I kept playing her song over and over again for hours. It was the only thing I had of her, the only thing giving me joy. Thank fuck for AirPods and my ability to pretend because Janie had started trying to control even that until I yelled at her so loudly, she almost fell back from the force.
I think I saw real fear in her eyes that day. I’m not sure if she was afraid of me hitting her, something I’d never done, or if she’d realized something else she should be afraid of. I’m not sure how long it was gonna take for her to see the hate I felt for her.
Of course, I’ve done my best to hide it from her; I’m not such a dick that I can blame her entirely for the mess I’d made of my life. But there were days when I looked at her, and it was hard to keep the hate and dislike hidden.
I hadn’t seen Elena since that night at the award show, but it seems like I’m hearing about her more and more of late. She’s on the front of every magazine and seems to be the subject on everyone’s tongue.
I kept going to the places I knew she used to like, but she was never around. I was starting to think that she was avoiding me, and it was starting to piss me off. I just wanted to see her from across the room, for fuck’s sake. It’s not like I was gonna try to approach her or anything. Fuck knows I don’t need that headache, but just a glimpse from afar would suffice. I feel like I’m drowning without the sight of her.
I don’t know what the hell I expected, but this was killing me. It was one thing when she was hiding from the whole world, but now it’s just me because she’s been out and about with her friends, just not in any of the old places we used to like to go together.
I’ve spent my days stressing over her and the way this was making me feel and getting even higher than I was before because it was the only way to numb the pain I felt deep down inside.
I couldn’t share my feelings with anyone, obviously, because Janie was sticking to my side like a limpet, so there was no way for me to talk to anyone without her hearing. The only person I was allowed to be alone with these days was my spiritual advisor, and for the first time that I can recall, I didn’t like what I was hearing.
Of course, it’s his job to try to keep a marriage together, but shouldn’t he care about my general happiness as well? I’m drowning here, and no one seems to care. My whole life seems to have spiraled out of control since the day I left her at the altar out of anger, and I knew deep down that I had no one else to blame but myself.
But it’s like I’m in a rut that I can’t get out of, and no matter which way I turn, I’m fucked. My mind had been clearing up a lot lately, even with the drugs. During the times that I was somewhat cognizant, the things that I remembered were all baffling. Why the hell didn’t I sign a prenup? That one is still hazy, but I’m almost certain someone had talked me into doing that; I just don’t remember who.
I remember that there was a post-nup, but that, too, had never been filed, or so I recall. I just don’t remember why that is. As I sat there beside the pool where we’d spent so many wonderful days, my mind seemed bent on recollecting a lot of things that I had pushed away from my thoughts a long time ago.
But why now? Why this sudden need to know the things that I had shied away from before? It’s not like I could go back and change anything now, can I? I’d made such a mess of things that even I knew there was no going back. Shouldn’t I just make the most of what I have?