Total pages in book: 136
Estimated words: 131821 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 659(@200wpm)___ 527(@250wpm)___ 439(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 131821 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 659(@200wpm)___ 527(@250wpm)___ 439(@300wpm)
Sighing, I drop onto my ass, hanging my arms over my bent knees as I stare at the wet green grass near my feet.
“Hey, man.” I clear my throat, blowing my cheeks up with air and releasing it slowly. A dry chuckle leaves me, and I wince. “This is fucked-up,” I mumble, shaking my head.
I nearly stand but grit my teeth and talk myself out of it, instead sitting there silently for way too long. So long, the rain spills from the clouds, falling over me and adding to the weight I’m already carrying.
“You don’t want to hear this, do you?” I mumble. “You don’t want to hear how the girl you left behind has become the most important person in my life. Or that I think I felt it even when you were the one holding her hand while I watched from across the beach like a fucking creep.” I pluck a piece of grass and toss it. “You don’t want to hear how in the months that followed your death, she was breaking over and over again because all she wanted was to have you back, and all I wanted was to take your place. I wanted her to let go of you so she could grab on to me.” A revolted chuckle leaves me, and I look away. “Fucked-up, right? What kind of man falls for a girl who’s already on her knees?”
I stare at nothing for a long while, images of her flashing through my mind from the first day we met to the night I slipped out without her knowing and everything that happened in between.
“I didn’t know what I was doing, and I didn’t know how to stop it. Believe me, I tried. When I first got to Avix last year, I masked it all. I smiled and laughed. I went out and did the whole college thing, but when morning came and reality set back in, she just…slid right back into my mind. I tried to give her space because I was here and she was there and our lives were so fucking different, but it didn’t matter, and sooner than she was ready for, I was all in.
“No one knew.” I scoff. “Shit, most still don’t. They suspect, but they don’t know the half of it. I’m different now. Better because of her.” My lips twitch. “Better because of him.”
A low laugh leaves me, and I shake my head.
“He’s something else. Big and strong. He looks just like you, man, but with his mama’s eyes.” I blink hard, taking a deep breath, looking up at the cold stone before me with a smile. “I think you would have hoped for that.”
I read over the words written before me.
Deaton Vermont, son and brother. Loved by many and lost too soon.
It says nothing about his legacy, the only person who truly loved him and the little boy he left behind, let alone never got to meet.
I blow out a long breath, tamping down my anger, and pull my wallet from my pocket, taking out one of the copies of the little picture I had printed, the first and only thing I see when I flip open the old leather.
I run my fingers over the number on his chest, wishing I’d thought to print the back side that showed they share a last name. His real dad’s name.
His only dad?
I focus on Deaton’s chubby cheeks, the tight squish of his smile making my own wobble. With shaky hands, I stretch out, leaning the little photo against the headstone, the sight forcing me to look away to get myself in check.
“I…uh…” Fuck.
How is it so hard to talk to someone who can’t even talk back?
Blowing out a long breath, I force myself to keep going.
“I know he’s yours. He’s every bit you as he is her, and I’ll never forget that, not for a minute, man. I can promise you that, but…I love him like he’s my own, and I know I’ll never stop. You have to know I didn’t plan on any of this, but it happened, and I don’t know what to do.” I clench my teeth. “She’s pulling away, and I’m losing my mind. I’m losing her, and that means I’ll lose him, and that right there makes me feel like I’m fucking dying.” I wince at my word choices but can’t take them back, because it’s true.
Nothing that mattered before matters anymore. Not without her.
Not without him.
I swallow, shaking my head and whipping the rain in my hair with my hands.
I look down, whispering the words aloud to the only person who could possibly understand.
“I love her, Deaton. I love her with everything I am, and I’m so fucking fucked because I know now what I missed then. That no matter what I do and no matter how much time passes, she’ll never truly love me back, because at the end of the day, I’m not you. You left, but she didn’t let you go. She’s holding on with all she’s got, and I can’t even hate you for it. I want to, but I can’t. If she loved you this much, you must have been one hell of a guy, because she’s…an anomaly.”