Total pages in book: 105
Estimated words: 102079 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 510(@200wpm)___ 408(@250wpm)___ 340(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 102079 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 510(@200wpm)___ 408(@250wpm)___ 340(@300wpm)
After the final prayer, I continued to look straight ahead at the stained-glass window while the casket and family were ushered out of the church. When our row stood, everyone filed toward the middle aisle, but I turned left, fleeing down the side aisle and squeezing past an older couple exiting the double doors. If Joanna and Heather were eating popcorn without me, I would not put myself through the burial. So I ran to my car, which was parked a ways down the road. As I drove past the steep drive up to the church, Eve came out of nowhere and smacked the back of my car with her hand.
I skidded to a stop, and she hopped in the passenger’s seat, breathless.
When I opened my mouth to protest, she shook her head. “Just drive.”
We had an hour, maybe two, before Mom, Dad, and Gabby would be home. I parked in front of the garage. Eve and I hadn’t said a word since she got into the car. I didn’t know what she expected from me, and it didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting out of that stupid black dress that reeked of sweat and death.
Eve followed me into the garage like my shadow. I grabbed a pack of matches and a can of gasoline that Dad used for the lawnmower. Then I headed to the back of the house where we had a burn barrel.
“What are you doing?” Eve broke her silence.
I ignored her while unzipping my dress and kicking off my shoes. I threw them into the barrel and stared at Eve. After a silent exchange, Eve removed her dress and shoes and added them to the barrel. Then I poured gasoline on everything and tossed a lit match into the bin as we took a big step back when flames engulfed the contents. After a few minutes, Eve stood behind me and wrapped her arms around my waist, resting her chin on my shoulder. There was no way to hide the obvious: I would never be the same.
We stood idle, mesmerized by the fire— bereft with a heart wrapped in grief. Eve’s empathy brought about a fresh round of tears. I rested my hands on hers and whispered, “Thank you.”
We stood there until the flames died. I pulled out of Eve’s embrace, walked into the house, and straight to the shower. But no matter how hard I scrubbed my skin with a bar of soap, I couldn’t erase what had happened. There were too many layers of despair.
With a towel wrapped around my head, I wiped the steam from the mirror and gazed at the utter disappointment staring back at me. I escaped death. Did that make me lucky or a cheater? Would Heather have left that early in the morning? Would Joanna have lived had I been there and she would have sat in the back seat?
The answers to those questions didn’t change reality, but they changed my self-worth. Did God punish my friends for covering for me? Did he spare my life so that I would suffer the most?
After another minute or two of self-loathing, I sulked toward my bedroom.
“Want to feel less awful for a little bit?” Eve said, standing in her doorway. She was wearing a T-shirt and underwear and holding a bottle of tequila.
“I knew you were the bigger rebel,” I said while padding my way toward her and taking the bottle as she shut her bedroom door behind us. “Where did you get this?” I removed the lid and took a swig, coughing the second it burned my throat.
“It’s best if you don’t know.” She grabbed the bottle and tipped it at her lips, swallowing without a single cough before passing it back to me. “I’m still a virgin, which means you’re still the bigger rebel.”
“About that,” I sat on her bed, folding my legs under me, “Don’t give it to another virgin. It’s not beautiful. It’s awkward and awful.”
Her eyebrows climbed up her head. “You had sex with Matt?”
I nodded.
“And Isaac.”
After another big swig, I nodded again, already feeling the tequila hitting my brain. “It’s funny how with most things in life, we learn from teachers or people who are far more experienced, but with sex,” I laughed, “the Bible wants us to believe that men and women should just figure it out together for the first time.” I waved my hand in the air as she took the bottle from me. “Nonsense.” I fell back onto her bed next to her. “Find a guy who knows what he’s doing. Who loves giving you orgasms.” I closed my eyes as my head began to swim. “Isaac gives the best orgasms.”
Eve giggled. “I’m pretty good too. I touch myself all the time, but I do it in the dark under my sheets so Jesus won’t see me.”