Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Thankfully, the food is done, and Lex hands me a plate, which I devour like an animal that hasn’t eaten in days. It’s honestly quite embarrassing how fast I scarf the food down, but Lex doesn’t seem to be bothered by it.
When we’ve finished eating, I help him clean up, and then grab my books off the island, but before I can sit down and start reading, Lex takes my hand and pulls me to the sofa in the living room.
“I want to talk to you about your family.”
I flinch visibly and stop in my tracks, trying to pull my hand out of his. He tightens his hold, and my throat clenches shut. I can’t breathe. I can’t swallow. I can’t see anything except that I need for him to let me go. I am too exposed to him when his hand is holding mine–when his skin touches my skin. Not on this topic. Not with all the recent things that have happened, and all the things piled up behind those.
It is too much, it is too much, it is too much!
My eyes dart around the room, looking for anything to save me. Any way that I can expel this energy or divert the attention of it or buy me some time. He notices, and I’m uncomfortable with him seeing me like this.
I do not want to talk about my family. I don’t have a family anymore.
Lex’s eyes turn on me and then press deeper. I know he wants to understand and is probably making assumptions or interpreting my reactions in some way. I can see compassion and gentleness reflected back at me in his eyes, but I don’t want it. It feels like pity. I do not want him to look at this part of me. It’s too ugly. It is too dark. I am too branded by my father’s hand and belt. No one deserves the things he dished out.
I am too broken to bring anyone into the mess of who I really am.
Hot tears start to spill out of my eyes, and my hand comes up to press them back in as I shake my head sharply. I want to be anywhere but here. Lex’s energy goes soft. Patient, in a way that feels like a sticky quagmire, pulling me down into a vulnerability that threatens to undo me.
No, that is the absolute wrong thing. That is just going to make me cry more.
“I’m right here, Jude, I am not going anywhere. I told you I would protect you.”
“You don’t understand.” I want to lash out at him, to kill the kindness that sees too deeply and makes me want to run.
Sweetness is never real. It is a way to get closer, a way to get my guard down before something worse happens. It feels like he wants to rip my scabs off and stick his hand in them. All I want to do is scream and run.
“Then help me understand. Come sit down on the couch with me. Just that much. Just that little bit. That’s all I want.”
I nod and feel grateful when he releases my hand. I bring it up to my face and try to wipe away the stupid tears from the memory of my crappy childhood.
“I honestly don’t have a family–” My voice breaks, and I hate how pitiful I sound.
“Hey, it is okay, Jude. Whatever it is, it’s okay.”
A grimace flashes across my face, and I roll my eyes. I hate this. I do not want to feel needy. I do not want his pity. I don’t want to feel like a child around him. Someone who needs to be taken care of and is not strong enough to be on her own.
I move to the couch, and he waits for me to settle onto the seat before sitting beside me. Thankfully, not too close. I couldn’t handle that right now. Not yet. Not now. Not like this.
“Jude, it’s time to tell me something. Even the smallest piece. You must have grown up somewhere? Even if it wasn’t with a family. I’m not asking you to give me everything but a sliver of the pie.”
I know he’s trying, but even from a logical place, I cannot go there or handle my feelings. I can’t do that part. You cannot stand next to a pit of poison that close and not get it on you. No. No way, No how.
I shake my head vehemently.
“I don’t wanna talk about it. I don’t have a family, and I don’t know if I ever had one.”
Families are something other people have. Stuff I saw on TV. They were warm and connected and trusted each other. I never had those things. All I had was strict rules and lost dreams. No hope, no connection, no warmth. Ever. I had pain and anger but never love, not like I should have.