Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Lex either gives up or senses my need for a change in the conversation because he says, “Okay, if you don’t have a family, let me tell you about mine. Is that a deal?”
I nod, hesitant to trust him but grateful the tension eases and the focus shifts anywhere but on me. I reach for a tissue and blow my nose loudly. I don’t care though. The sound bounces off the walls, and it soothes me. I am blowing out crap. Just more damaged pieces. But it feels good and helps me stop the waterworks. Daddy always said tears were for the weak. The last thing I needed to feel was that.
“Well, as I mentioned, I have two brothers. I am the oldest. And, Pops.”
I smile at him. I like that name. “Pops.”
“Pops is a by the book kind of guy, super old school. We didn’t get away with anything.”
I flinch, wondering if he went through any of what I had gone through with mine.
“Is he religious?” Suddenly, I am less enamored with Pops, and I wonder if all fathers are crap human beings.
“Well,” Lex nods, “his rules are his religion. His sense of what is right and wrong are his religion. His interest in us being stand up guys could be called his religion, if that’s what you mean.”
I shake my head and pull my arms close around me in a hug as my eyes shift downward and away. His dad sounds way better than the one I had, but I don’t tell him.
“You have to understand, my dad comes from a long line of military men. I’m the only one of his sons who went into the military, but we go back generations. We were in every war. And, there’s something that happens when you are in the military. You see stuff that you are changed by, but, more than that, it gives you some kind of inner code.”
His words have a soothing effect on me, and I want to know more about this code. But, I can’t stop the tears that have started up again because every good thing he talks about feels like pulling more scabs off me and makes me feel more raw and exposed.
The contrast between him and his life is too big when held up to mine, which only serves to heap on more pain. I will never be lovable.
“Take, for example, when we made our first fort. I had to learn how to be a big brother. I didn’t know how to do that. I didn’t know that there were rules about that. Rules on how to do big brothering the right way. There’s a good way to do it, and there’s a bad way to do it.
“Just like there are also right and wrong ways to build a fort. Me, I was just gonna go out and get some boards and put up some walls and stick a roof on it. If my brother didn’t do what I liked, then I was going to get mad at him. That was kind of the way I rolled back then.”
“I thought you had two brothers?”
“I did. I mean, I do. But we built the fort before Rem was born.”
“Rem?”
“Remington. We call him Rem. Sebastian and I made the fort. We call him Seb.”
I nod, wanting him to continue.
“So, my pops wouldn’t let that happen when it came time to build the fort. He would not let me do whatever I wanted or let me get mad at Seb if I did not get my way. He wanted a plan. Pops was more of a field marshal. He organized supplies, had us draw out what we wanted, and I had to watch over my brother to see that he had a great experience.”
Lex looks at me, but I avoid his eyes. I can listen to him, but no one is getting in.
“As you can imagine, making sure a younger brother has a great experience is not a job an eight-year-old kid wants. A kid just wants to go out there and build stuff, right? Or a kid wants to be the student, not the teacher. But everybody in the family has a role. Everybody in the family has got some part that they play. Mine was ‘older brother’. Mine was, you know, the protector. It was ‘I gotta look out for them.’ It was to make sure he, and later, they, stayed safe. You know, they are grown now, and they don’t need me anymore, but it is still my job. I love my job. My time in the military too. My job then was to keep America safe. I had some shitty experiences, and I had some great ones, but I wouldn’t have traded it.”
Lex seemed like he had it all, brothers, a father that cared for him. He got to explore the world and see what it was all about. I got beat and told to try harder, to become a better housewife. In a way, I was envious of him, but I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t allow myself to fall for him. I’d endured enough heartache in my life. I was done. He didn’t need to get to know me, I didn’t plan to stick around long enough.