Total pages in book: 77
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
Estimated words: 71246 (not accurate)
Estimated Reading Time in minutes: 356(@200wpm)___ 285(@250wpm)___ 237(@300wpm)
“A lot of people think of our way of life as a cult.” I shrug, not knowing how to speak to that or elaborate. “But it was built on some really great spiritual principles. It was extraordinarily conservative, which is probably no surprise, but it was also one of the few that was based on feminist philosophes. And it was for the greater good, supposedly. Sort of like your family. Y’all take care of each other. That is the way the church is.
“Our community shared money, houses, resources–everything was shared. Nothing was ever held back for the individual. But from childhood, I always felt the need to be an individual. I didn’t want to have to suppress the things that felt important to me. I wanted to explore my ideas, explore the world, and make a life for myself that was my own. But that was not something I was ever allowed. Within the community, there are certain things expected from every woman, I never checked any of those boxes. Always an outsider. That’s why no one wanted to marry me when it was time.”
“Time? What do you mean?” Lex’s confused expression makes me cringe. I don’t want to tell him this part because I know how messed up it truly is.
“Most girls get married as soon as they turn sixteen—”
“You get married at sixteen?”
“Yeah, it’s the norm. My dad always picks who gets married to who. In the early days of our community church, everyone was married to everyone. So, at sixteen, girls and boys alike were sent to elders to teach them about sexual ways, and then they became married to everybody else, and you scheduled coupling times in a private room as often or as little as you wanted. It was a way of removing the ego from the relationship. To bring things back again to bettering the whole rather than the one.”
“What the fuck! I am not trying to put down your religion, but that is some fucked up shit!”
I chuckle. “It is some fucked up shit. You’re not offending me because it is not my religion, not what I believe in. It was the environment I grew up in, but it was not me. It never fit with me. That is why I had to go out and find a way to become disowned. I needed a way to make space for myself. To go on to school and to find out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to spend time with.”
“How did you do it? How did you get away?”
“You, Lex. You helped me,” I say, but he just stares at me, trying to put it together.
“I snuck out to lose my virginity. I knew if I wasn’t pure, if I had sex before marriage, they would disown me.”
“So, you would have slept with anyone that night?” His question holds disappointment and hurt.”
“I thought I could,” I admit. “But when I first walked into that bar, I had changed my mind. I was going to walk right back out. Then you showed up and changed my mind again. I think it was always meant to be you, Lex.”
Relief flashes over his face. “What happened then? You went home and told your parents?”
“Yes, they were so mad. My dad beat me like he never had before. I thought he might kill me at one point, and worst of all, part of me wanted him to.” Dread seeps deep into my bones as I think about that night. The scars on my back will forever be a reminder of that night, of a past I long to forget.
“I’m sorry, Jude. I wish you would have told me. I never would’ve let you leave. I wish I had known, I would have protected you.”
“I know you would have. I just didn’t know then. All I ever wanted was a normal life. To feel safe and not like I would get a lashing if I did the wrong thing again. I was tired of walking on eggshells, being scared, and anxious. I wanted to have the right to choose things for myself. To not have to live under his authority or any man’s authority for that matter. To go to school, to have my own things, and to decide what I want to wear for myself. I wanted to choose. I wanted to have a life where I get to consent.”
Lex grabs my hand in an instant, and his green eyes are blazing. “I promise you, Jude, that no matter what, and I’m talking truly and honestly, no matter fucking what, whether you and I stay together, get together, never be together again–it doesn’t matter. As long as you live, I will protect you. And my family will protect you, too. Pops has already said that regardless of what happens with us, you have been adopted by the family, and he expects to see you every week at dinner. He even made a point of saying, he is not asking. You get to choose, of course, but if you are open to it, it’s there for you. As fully and as deeply as you want.”